Creators...

Some days I have to admit that it just doesn't feel worthwhile to work so hard.  If my existence were about taking care of the house, environment, food, laundry, so that others could live their lives... then life seems like it would be easy.  If I could just live in service... and delight in others' creations without needing to have any of my own... everything would be clear and straight-forward.

How to run away when you don't really want to go anywhere....

There is tension in having my own needs that makes life feel difficult... polar... and disappointing.  I try to do my work... and when I do... that's when the kids seem to need me.  THAT'S when they choose to demand things from me.  In essence, it feels that they're demanding that I be no one on my own... they demand that all of my worth and effort revolve around them.  They demand that they are the only people who really matter - and only their desires are the important ones.

Who am I to tell them otherwise?  Is it not a beautiful moment when only the "I" matters?  To be a being of such supreme importance and focus!  Like royalty, I imagine.  Who am I to suggest that they are not most important and central of all beings?... for I'm certain they are to themselves... and they truly always should be.  They SHOULD be dedicated to getting their needs met and receiving the object of their desires (not every whim, of course... but in a larger sense of getting cared for).  I want them to always see themselves as worthy of receiving.

I just don't want them to think that someone else isn't worthy of having *their* needs met - I don't want my children to think that anyone else should exist solely to do for them.  Such tension is in each and every one of my days... and I'm so weary of it.